13 June 2014

Published June 11, 2014 by rochellewisoff

Thoreau.banner

m

REMINDER: This page is “FRIDAY FICTIONEERS CENTRAL” and is NOT the place to promote political or religious views. Also, you are responsible for the content of your story and policing comments on your blog. You have the right to delete any you consider offensive.

Like us on Facebook

 FF copyright banner final

  • ;) My story follows the PHOTO PROMPT below and link tool. I enjoy honest comments and welcome constructive criticism. :D

 PHOTO PROMPT Copyright-Ted Strutz

PHOTO PROMPT Copyright-Ted Strutz

get the InLinkz code

Genre: Historical Fiction

Word Count: 100

BENEATH BUNKER HILL

            Determined to keep his promise to Joseph’s orphans and give him a proper burial, Paul searched the grave where dozens were buried. Flies buzzed. Maggots burrowed into the eye-sockets of the nine months’ fallen patriots. Mouldering flesh and matted hair cleaved tenuously to shattered skulls. His gorge rose. He covered his nose and mouth. How would he ever recognise his friend amongst so many?

             His thoughts wandered to a day long-past.   

****

            “Remarkable, Master Revere.” Joseph studied his smiling reflection. 

****

            Sunlight glinted off a bit of copper in a corpse’s mouth. Paul gasped. 

            “My dental work. It is General Joseph Warren.”      

            

Paul Revere dental tools

To know more click here.

141 comments on “13 June 2014

    • Dear Bruce,
      Sorry to confuse. The first photos are instructions. The photo marked “Prompt- copyright Ted Strutz” is the one to use for inspiration for your 100 word story. Hope this helps.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • With nowhere to go I shamelessly copied your niche, Rochelle, and shamelessly put the story up. The second I apologise for my time zone, and the first, while, it was so interesting to walk your path a little… I find your historical-tied flash fictions so interesting and knew the background to the one I submitted.
    This one you penned is an example of how history could be learnt in schools, and should be. Can you imagine any better way than the class reading your tale, looking at the background, then themselves composing their 100 words? Would be wonderful.Great stuff again, and suitably detailed to show the graphics of war.

    Like

  • Dear Rochelle,
    When it comes to flash writing, I find it interesting the tools authors use to make their points clear in the shortest pieces of prose. In this piece, your chosen title informs the work. Knowing that Bunker Hill was a part of the narrative drew me directly into the action–I knew who “Paul” was immediately, and the entire piece made perfect sense from the outset. Without the well-chosen title, there may have been some question, but you, my friend, were too wise to let that happen. Instead, you truly made every word count. Kudos.

    All my best,
    Marie Gail

    Like

  • You know, that mouldering flesh, matted hair bit is just too grisly, Rochelle. I may have to skip lunch today… Thanks for another interesting historical take – I never know where you’re going to go each week but it’s fun finding out.

    Like

  • Dear Sandra,

    Sorry about your lunch, but your comments make me smile. Thank you for being here each week. I always look forward to your stories and comments. One of the things I’ve found so addictive about Friday Fictioneers has been the reciprocation.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Like

  • hello Rochelle,

    I though the first paragraph had great rhythm, and was genuinely disturbing. But that last line fell flat for me. Not sure why exactly though. I may just be nitpicking for nitpicking’s sake. Hahaha.

    Like

  • I recently posted about my views on graphic writing and how I think gratuitous violence / sex etc can be an easy way to shock readers. Right here, you have a brilliant example of how graphic description can strengthen and not weaken the writing. I was right there with Paul, seeing and smelling those bodies. The description is bang on.
    At the risk of a long comment, two little things.
    Like Craig, I found the last line a tiny bit flat, I felt a little as though it was a way to get the explanation in there, and him suddenly talking to himself felt a bit unnatural. You could just leave the explanation out – the fact it’s dental work is clear from the rest of the story, and for those who know about this period, the title is as much an identifier as the name. Alternatively, you might consider reframing this as action instead of speech. Something like “Paul gasped, recognising his old friend and patient, and reached for his spade [or took hold of the corpse, or whatever].” You would write this far better than I can, but I hope you get the point.
    Second, I must admit I got a bit muddled about the orphans at the beginning. I think it’s because when I got to “dozens were buried”, I thought briefly it was dozens of the orphans. Possibly just “sons” would be clearer, because he’s unlikely to have dozens of sons (Not knowing anything about Bunker HIll I thought maybe the guy ran an orphanage…). Again, a small thing and I don’t want the length of the critique to take away from my reaction to the writing as a whole, but I trust you will see that.
    Jen

    Like

    • Dear Jen,

      As always I welcome your thoughtful honesty. .Of course I’d prefer a glowing comment praising my stunning writing skills.

      I’ve mulled your suggestions over in my head. You make good points.

      As for “orphans”, Joseph Warren’s wife died a few years before Bunker Hill. So orphans stay.

      Perhaps, I’ll write a longer version and take all comments into consideration.

      BTW, for what it’s worth, Joseph Warren and Doug share the same birthday, June 11. ;) Doug hopes he doesn’t meet the same end.

      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

      • Haha, presumably Doug has a better dentist!

        I assumed the orphans were factually correct – this being you – I was just trying to show you what impression that bit had left and a possible explanation for why. Certainly orphans made me feel more for them.

        And you can always take the glowing praise as read – your writing skills *are* stunning and I hope you reread my first paragraph to realize that my overall reaction was, as ever, admiration.

        Best,
        Jen

        Like

        • No worries, Jen.

          I did catch the positives in your comments. I really didn’t mean to come across as fishing. I mean it when I say that I appreciate your honesty whether I agree or not. I don’t want you ever to feel that you’re walking on egg shells and can’t voice your thoughts. That’s why that exacto blade is in my sidebar lest we forget “Ghandi with the Wind.”

          Shalom,

          Rochelle

          Like

  • Rochelle, I always look forward to your story each week because it’s both entertaining and educational. That was a great link. If that description bothered some of us, I can only imagine what it must have been like for the poor man who was there at the time. What a great human being to do that for the family of the deceased. Well written as always. :) —Susan

    Like

  • AHA! I knew this one! What graphic writing this week! “Mouldering flesh and matted hair cleaved tenuously to shattered skulls.” — Maybe you and Jessica should collaborate!
    I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to participate this week, but I just wanted to drop by and see what you’d written, maybe read a couple others.

    Like

  • What a surprise to see my photo. It will be fun to read the stories. I’ll do something explaining what is in the photo. Now is my busy season so I might not be around much.

    I had no idea that Paul Revere was a dentist. As always a history lesson included in a 100 word story. Thanks for the link too.

    Like

    • Dear Ted,

      I like to be spontaneous. ;) I’m looking forward to learning more about the photo.

      I didn’t know until I Googled “history of dentistry” about Paul Revere. No secret that I love working history into my stories whenever the opportunity presents itself.

      Thank you for the photo, it’s great.

      shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

    • Dear Gina,

      Perhaps if my history teachers in high school had suggested I write historical fiction for homework I might have gotten better grades. I’m happy you liked my story and felt that you learned something. No higher compliment.

      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • I learned something today about Paul Revere. You set the stage beautifully, Rochelle! Although the descriptions were truly awful, I admired your graphic style. I had a little trouble with shifting from Joseph to “General Warren,” and it is only because I am (ahem) able to put two and two together (and also look up General Warren’s first name on Google) that I was able to figure out the ending (also, because it was clear that that was what your story was setting out to do, anyway). I agree with an earlier response that it would be wonderful to teach history this way!
    A little comment: I think the shift into a day in the past, and the sudden shift back into the presence without a transitional sentence confused the mood a little. Plus the shift into speech within quotes, as opposed to, say, a sentence in italics to indicate thought, was startling. It’s worth tweaking, in my unasked-for opinion.

    Like

    • Dear Vijaya,

      All good suggestions. I’m not sure I agree but worth pondering. It’s admittedly difficult to make all transitions in a hundred words. At any rate I’m glad you liked my set up and the history.

      Thank you,

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • Alas, with the imagery projected by Rochelle’s words, you cannot help to learn some unknown history. Whether you want to or not. Yes, I am prejudiced, but isn’t she wonderful?

    Like

  • I really like the details in the first paragraph. So visceral! I admit I had to read the latter half twice before finally understood their dialogue. I guess it just wasn’t clear that Paul was Joseph’s dentist, so it was confusing at the end. I don’t read too much historical fiction, so the nuance might be clearer to other people who do read the genre.

    Like

  • I couldn’t agree more with Hamish. Your stories, Rochelle, are both beautiful and educational. Thank you!

    Greetings from Greece!
    Maria

    Like

  • Pretty damn good. And now I know I’m aware of all PR’s skills having had a crash wiki course. As someone else commented – what a great way to teach/learn history. (Must rush off to my next class – we’re doing Bunker Hill.)

    Like

  • Dear Rochelle,

    This story and your rendering of it takes the phrase ‘gag me…’ to a whole new level.

    A marvelous take on the prompt and some gobbets of history thrown onto the pile.

    Well done.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    Like

      • researching things that interest me is always a delight. yeah. going along on the ride when the writing of others is in my line of interest. . . . that too is fun. i know a collector who collects pewter. and a Revere pewter mug. . . or was it a candle stick holder?? was a delight to hold (yeah it was a long time ago and there were other pewter works that were fun and fascinating as well). fun on. aloha.

        Like

  • I never knew Paul Revere was a dentist too. So he must have at some stage said “the teeth are coming out”. But on a less facetious note, this was a wonderful piece of historical fiction. Probably happened just the way you described it.

    Like

    • Dear Subroto,

      I didn’t know about Paul Revere until I started my research thread. I’m always happy to find little known factoids that are out there on the internet for all to see. ;) Thank you for your kind comments.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • Rochelle, The history lesson you incorporated in your story was wonderful. I love history and we watch mostly History Channel or H2. You would make a great history teacher. The story is absolutely wonderful, yes a little graphic, but that is what you would see if you were given a task to find General Warren and brilliantly through forensic dental exam! Great job Rochelle – absolutely riveting! Nan :)

    Like

  • Hi Rochelle
    Once again you’ve taught me something new with your historic tales. It feels strange though, to be on the side of the enemy here (the Brits), even though it was such a long time ago.

    Like

    • Dear EL,

      It’s really hard for me to think of the Brits as the enemy, especially since you sent us the Beatles in 1964. ;)

      In 1775 my ancestors were all in Eastern Europe.

      This was a new bit of history for me as well.

      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • Dear Margaret Twain,
    I almost choked on my partial when you got to the part about the maggots, dad gum it. History provides lots of lessons to chew on. Thanks for sharing another with us.
    respectfully yours, Mack

    Like

  • This was a great history lesson. One in which, I probably shouldn’t have read while eating my fruit and yogurt bowl. Maggots and food don’t go well together. :) As a lover of history, I truly enjoyed how you brought this to life.

    Like

  • Great piece – right down to the maggots and eye sockets. Ewww!! Not a pretty visual :P I’m a history enthusiast – I enjoyed the research and learning parts that are going on here, too.
    Ellespeth

    Like

    • Dear Ellespeth,

      So much of history isn’t pretty. We don’t think of the implications or the visuals when it’s so far in the past, do we? Research is one of my favorite things about writing. I’ve fallen in love with historical fiction. Happy to meet another enthusiast.

      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

    • Dear Dawn,

      When I started my research thread I had no idea about Paul Revere. I knew as soon as I read about him where my story was going. I’m pleased it worked for you. I always look forward to your visits and comments.

      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

    • Dear Lily,

      It seems I caused a few gorges to rise. ;) I love that archaic term.

      The discipline of writing a story in a hundred words has transformed my writing in larger pieces. I’m pleased to know that it does the same for other writers.

      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • Very clever and interesting piece. Loved the visual imagery, it got me in immediately. This is my first week of Friday Fictioneers and I’m very impressed with how much weight one hundred words can carry.
    P.S. my first link didn’t work for some reason, seems like my second attempt has been successful. Thanks.

    Like

    • Dear Maree,

      Welcome to Friday Fictioneers!

      Glad you happened by and stuck around to write. It’s addictive, not just for the challenge of the writing but also for the community of writers. ;)

      Thank you.

      shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • you made history come alive once again, Rochelle. i love the trivia on Paul Revere’s dental tools. they actually look better than those tools in the photo prompt . . . well, the handles anyway. :)

    Like

    • Dear Sun,

      I’m glad you were able to work out the technical difficulties. ;)

      Personally I find Mr. Revere’s dental tools a little intimidating.

      Thank you for your kind comments.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

    • Dear Leigh,

      I didn’t know about Revere’s dentistry until I followed the research thread. I love finding those unexpected bits of history. ;) Your reference to my book makes me doubly happy.

      Thank you.

      shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

      • No worries, Rochelle. It’s an engaging read, and a fantastic counterpoint to the somewhat depressing dystopian fiction I just finished. I say it would make great “vacation reading,” too (hint, hint, people!). Speaking of which, enjoy yours! Happy travels to you all. :)

        Like

  • Rochelle, I made a comment on Shan’s blog, #83, yesterday and went back to check today. I couldn’t reach the blog. I think WordPress has done the same to that blog that they did to mine, marked it as “Private”. Shan may not even be aware of it. —Susan

    Like

  • I liked your realistic description of the degenerating bodies and the recognition of one corpse by the dental work. I could see it in my mind’s eye clearly. Thanks for the story.

    Like

  • Input! I love input!

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s

    yadadarcyyada

    Vague Meanderings of the Broke and Obscure

    mezzojan

    a libretto for the comic opera of my life

    elmowrites

    Writing about writing

    What's for dinner, Doc?

    A place to talk about health living and wellness through humor, kitchen wisdom and medical narrative.

    Claire Fuller

    Writing and art

    Green Writing Room

    Hilary Custance Green's reading and writing notepad

    Oldentimes's Blog

    a little old, a little new, life in the slow land of country living

    Caely in the making

    - to become what I want to be

    wmqcolby

    A great WordPress.com site

    Being MG

    Poems, stories and other creations that make me who I am

    SightsnBytes

    A.K.A. Ted White

    Musings of a Random Mind

    fiction based on reality. any similarities to the characters and events in the life of the author are purely intentional.

    draliman on life

    Because sometimes life just makes you stop and think

    onethousandandtwo

    Looking at Infinity

    the EXCESSIVE GARDENER

    adventures in defensive gardening

    fabricating fiction

    Louise Jensen - Writer, mindfulness coach, lover of life

    Momus News

    Humorous News, Photos, and Short Fiction

    Next Page, New Chapter

    Life, Motherhood, Beauty, Books

    Old Road Apples

    A Magnificent Fountain of Gurgling Wit, Wisdom, and Intriguing Insights. Some Other Stuff, Too.

    Life Is A Journey... Not A Guided Tour

    My Journey From Merchant Mariner to Motherhood, And Spiritual Being.

    artsymemories

    …taking care of your memories.

    The Bradley Chronicles

    Exposing the Real beneath the veil.

    Writing To Be Noticed

    Various writings, thoughts, and a little shameless self-promotion

    This, that and the other thing

    Looking at life through writing and photography

    grumpyyoungbloke

    Because On The Web, Anyone Can Hear You Scream......(If you know how SEO works!)

    hugmamma's MIND, BODY and SOUL

    you are my sunshine...my only sunshine...you make me happy...when skies are gray...

    TALES FROM THE MOTHERLAND

    Straight up with a twist– my twisted view of the world!

    Follow

    Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

    Join 2,141 other followers

    %d bloggers like this: